Nicotine Dream #4: Stress dreaming.

I don't know if it is the instant elimination of tobacco from my life or the stress of feeling like I'm "running the show" with "too little of a cast" or "poor delegating skills", but the past few nights I've been sleep-cleaning my room. I wake up to clothing, borrowed books, and pens pushed up against my wall.

And I am wearing different pajamas (actually, different underwear, but it is the internet and that is not something you mention). And I find that I texted twitter at 3:40AM:

"Comic books are so much easier is what I woke up to myself mumbling after I'm pretty sure I asked a bigger woman to play chris farley for me in my action adventure."

all exotic animals killed, captured and eaten.

Schools were shut down and deputies and sheriffs and mallcops were stationed on hwy 70 to shoot down black bears and raptors. and this guy had 500,000 of unaccounted for dollars. well, I think it all has been logged and explaing. I hope the kids stayed inside; I hope they didn't make videos of 360s or jumprope climb-up then fall alllllll the way down stunts or whatever kids do. I hope they stayed in and didn't get mauled by an anaconda/leopard tag team of viscious, hungry self-preservation.

And, I hope they did their homework.

"It's always the animals that suffer."

I heard a lady say, "it's just something like that would put us on the map."

placehold

i can't find my phone, i am listening to ben's fall album and idrank three cups of coffee and one beer and i have got so much done in just twenty minutes i have no idea what to do with myself. and i really just want to text you that i remembered something you said i wish i had been less busy or "stranded" in my mind to respond the way i want to right now

and i am crying. i wish every one in my life a calmer, more aware me

so they really understand right when it happens that i am listening.

instead, i sit back from time to time and relive everything to its own ends. i wonder if i can fix this double spacing. but, please know, that how fast i may seem there are moments where there is nothing but me replaying everything you said like you're fucking churchill or lombardi

and don't get nervous because with time memories become more graceful. i will always ignore every "um" or "i don't know" you put in to placehold your wisdoms.

One last thing: I had a dream once that it was up to me to teach one person (just one) sign language and i forgot because i was conducting a choir of toads. And sign language became like latin, only for the "cooler than you" people to learn. i dropped the ball and woke up feeling like maybe instead of doing theater and painting while in high school i should have been running track and feeding the poor.

but you win some and you ruin some.

underwhelmed men

it is evening and I haven't touched that fountain since when we tried

to dance that night (but it was more like you jostling me out of place like a kernel of corn

no! a tooth about to prance out of the still orbit it HATED to be in--a readership

of white, wet little men underwhelmed by how loose they feel when kissing)

in preparation for lovemaking.

To Ben

i am a soggy piece of air, Ben. and i could see it right in your eye,

just one of them, that you knew. But all of these cassiopeias and pin pods and

boleyn girls and whisper junkies and silver dollar peddlers

that i have to get done (y'know, but really don't)

they took our weekend away.

and you had to leave to see me, this supposed cherry blossom tree

to be not what she says she is--so much means so much less to me.

Kinetic energy to fill the space. I started liking Coca Cola! I HATE colas, Ben.

Ben, I don't care how much I swear anymore. I don't look through books about

cenitpedes anymore. I started saying I am afraid of spiders without thinking

because I've always said i was afraid of them but I don't think I am anymore?

At least I don't question if I am anymore. Man, when did I stop liking ice cream

when did that pretentious phrase I always say stop making sense?:

"A day without ice cream is a day without living" or someshit.

Can I have a do over and this time around can you sleep with your head to my feet

instead of me cleaning?

Buddies.

It is fun being in the same decade with you.

-Franklin Roosevelt, in a letter to Winston Churchill

Think about this. Get back to me.